The Zen of Listening to Women

For more than a decade, I've practiced Zen meditation, and this practice has enabled me to refine my listening capabilities when speaking with others, including women.

In Zen, one learns radical acceptance. This is not passive acceptance, but the realization that whatever happens in the present is what it is. We may agree or disagree with what happens in the present and may need to take some action because of it, but the reality is this: Present reality is what it is whatever reaction, opinion, or discrimination we have about it. So how does this apply when speaking with women?

First off, women -- and men, too -- have ways of talking that are gender related. The point is to accept this reality. This means, allowing a woman the opportunity to be herself, to accept her as she is in conversation, and to be with her in the moment. It's known, for example, that women frequently use conversation to bond with others, unlike men who often use conversation to get to some point or solve some problem.

Second, listen for content and respond to the content a woman offers without getting hung up on her conversational style as a woman. Leave aside desires to fix or change her as she speaks, and just be with her in the conversational present.

Third, ask questions that arise and that pertain to the content women speak about. Women want to be listened to and to be heard. Sincerely asking questions of her as she talks, reflect your desire to do so.

Fourth, avoid labeling what a woman says. Once you start labeling, you remove yourself from being aware of the content a woman is speaking about. You then latch onto the label and move away from accepting her content.