Some time back in my testosterone-laden, younger days, I used to kid my wife about women's wanting men to be more like them. But as I've put on some years, I'm realizing that my kidding may be more on point than I had thought.
With great kudos to my wife, I've grown more moderate and mild, more helping and giving. I more often consider her needs as I would my own, and have developed what I'd call a more feminine side to my personality. I feel none the less a man, with all my assertiveness and direct problem-solving skills intact. It's just that my life has more equanimity to it.
Although I've always been a a fairly good listener, I now listen to other people -- men and women alike -- with greater focus. And the good stuff related to this is that I feel eminently more balanced.
Some time ago, I was sitting and talking with a Best Friend Forever. In the middle of our conversation, she pointed to my mid section and said, "You know, Hank, I think there's a uterus in there somewhere." I took this as the compliment that it was.
Well, back to my point about men becoming more like women as they (men) age. I found some confirmation of this position as I've read The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. In her chapter on the mature, male brain, she discusses the hormonal changes that men experience as they grow older.
"Men in their fifties and sixties," she writes, "... are beginning to make less testosterone and vasopressin, and researchers have shown that the ratio of estrogen to testosterone increases as men get older. Hormonally, the mature male brain is becoming more like the mature female brain."
What a turn of natural events this is that men develop such a similarity with women as men age. And how ironic, because at the start of life in the womb, men start out like women.
"All human individuals -- whether they have an XX, an XY, or an atypical sex chromosome combination -- begin development from the same starting point. During early development, the gonads of the fetus remain undifferentiated; that is, all fetal genitalia are the same and are phenotypically female. After approximately 6 to 7 weeks of gestation, however, the expression of a gene on the Y chromosome induces changes that result in the development of the testes. Thus, this gene is singularly important in inducing testis development. The production of testosterone at about 9 weeks of gestation results in the development of the reproductive tract and the masculinization (the normal development of the male sex characteristics) of the brain and genitalia." [Sex Begins in the Womb, taken from the Internet, 8-31-2010.]
Ironic, isn't it, that we, men and women, start out life alike and become more alike as time moves on?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Zen of Listening to Women
For more than a decade, I've practiced Zen meditation, and this practice has enabled me to refine my listening capabilities when speaking with others, including women.
In Zen, one learns radical acceptance. This is not passive acceptance, but the realization that whatever happens in the present is what it is. We may agree or disagree with what happens in the present and may need to take some action because of it, but the reality is this: Present reality is what it is whatever reaction, opinion, or discrimination we have about it. So how does this apply when speaking with women?
First off, women -- and men, too -- have ways of talking that are gender related. The point is to accept this reality. This means, allowing a woman the opportunity to be herself, to accept her as she is in conversation, and to be with her in the moment. It's known, for example, that women frequently use conversation to bond with others, unlike men who often use conversation to get to some point or solve some problem.
Second, listen for content and respond to the content a woman offers without getting hung up on her conversational style as a woman. Leave aside desires to fix or change her as she speaks, and just be with her in the conversational present.
Third, ask questions that arise and that pertain to the content women speak about. Women want to be listened to and to be heard. Sincerely asking questions of her as she talks, reflect your desire to do so.
In Zen, one learns radical acceptance. This is not passive acceptance, but the realization that whatever happens in the present is what it is. We may agree or disagree with what happens in the present and may need to take some action because of it, but the reality is this: Present reality is what it is whatever reaction, opinion, or discrimination we have about it. So how does this apply when speaking with women?
First off, women -- and men, too -- have ways of talking that are gender related. The point is to accept this reality. This means, allowing a woman the opportunity to be herself, to accept her as she is in conversation, and to be with her in the moment. It's known, for example, that women frequently use conversation to bond with others, unlike men who often use conversation to get to some point or solve some problem.
Second, listen for content and respond to the content a woman offers without getting hung up on her conversational style as a woman. Leave aside desires to fix or change her as she speaks, and just be with her in the conversational present.
Third, ask questions that arise and that pertain to the content women speak about. Women want to be listened to and to be heard. Sincerely asking questions of her as she talks, reflect your desire to do so.
Fourth, avoid labeling what a woman says. Once you start labeling, you remove yourself from being aware of the content a woman is speaking about. You then latch onto the label and move away from accepting her content.
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