How Women Make Friends with Each Other and How Men Befriend Each Other

Recently, I had the pleasure of being present as two women executives, who knew each other slightly, met for a second time. I stepped back to allow them linguistic space to get to know each other better. As luck would have it, the two women hit it off, and had a strong give and take with each other.

One part of their conversation impressed me in particular. Their talk soon turned to light, but bothersome, health-related annoyances. One spoke of the problem she was having with a sinus condition for the last few days. The other reciprocated by relating the trouble she was having with a sore throat that seemed to be going away.

Afterwards, I reflected on my observation with one of the women about their health related discussion. "I talked about that because I wanted to share and to make friends," she said.

I thought this an interesting facet of the subculture of women -- sharing a vulnerability and concern with someone she had just met for the second time.

What a difference from the way us guys talk. We could be friends with one another for a century, but each time we talk, it's just the facts. We banter about what we're doing, have done, or going to do.

But talking about health-related stuff? Not on your life. Far be it for us to venture into that strange land of vulnerability.

I could be experiencing the worst day of my life. But on meeting another guy, even someone I knew, the last thing I'd talk about would be any kind of vulnerability. To the question of how I were doing, my reply would go something like, "Doing fine. Having a great day. Busy as hell, but happy. How's your day going?"

Given my subcultural upbringing, it would likely never occur to me to reveal a vulnerability.

Do Men Become More Like Women as Men Age?

Some time back in my testosterone-laden, younger days, I used to kid my wife about women's wanting men to be more like them. But as I've put on some years, I'm realizing that my kidding may be more on point than I had thought.

With great kudos to my wife, I've grown more moderate and mild, more helping and giving. I more often consider her needs as I would my own, and have developed what I'd call a more feminine side to my personality. I feel none the less a man, with all my assertiveness and direct problem-solving skills intact. It's just that my life has more equanimity to it.

Although I've always been a a fairly good listener, I now listen to other people -- men and women alike -- with greater focus. And the good stuff related to this is that I feel eminently more balanced.

Some time ago, I was sitting and talking with a Best Friend Forever. In the middle of our conversation, she pointed to my mid section and said, "You know, Hank, I think there's a uterus in there somewhere." I took this as the compliment that it was.

Well, back to my point about men becoming more like women as they (men) age. I found some confirmation of this position as I've read The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. In her chapter on the mature, male brain, she discusses the hormonal changes that men experience as they grow older.

"Men in their fifties and sixties," she writes, "... are beginning to make less testosterone and vasopressin, and researchers have shown that the ratio of estrogen to testosterone increases as men get older. Hormonally, the mature male brain is becoming more like the mature female brain."

What a turn of natural events this is that men develop such a similarity with women as men age. And how ironic, because at the start of life in the womb, men start out like women.

"All human individuals -- whether they have an XX, an XY, or an atypical sex chromosome combination -- begin development from the same starting point. During early development, the gonads of the fetus remain undifferentiated; that is, all fetal genitalia are the same and are phenotypically female. After approximately 6 to 7 weeks of gestation, however, the expression of a gene on the Y chromosome induces changes that result in the development of the testes. Thus, this gene is singularly important in inducing testis development. The production of testosterone at about 9 weeks of gestation results in the development of the reproductive tract and the masculinization (the normal development of the male sex characteristics) of the brain and genitalia." [Sex Begins in the Womb, taken from the Internet, 8-31-2010.]

Ironic, isn't it, that we, men and women, start out life alike and become more alike as time moves on?

The Zen of Listening to Women

For more than a decade, I've practiced Zen meditation, and this practice has enabled me to refine my listening capabilities when speaking with others, including women.

In Zen, one learns radical acceptance. This is not passive acceptance, but the realization that whatever happens in the present is what it is. We may agree or disagree with what happens in the present and may need to take some action because of it, but the reality is this: Present reality is what it is whatever reaction, opinion, or discrimination we have about it. So how does this apply when speaking with women?

First off, women -- and men, too -- have ways of talking that are gender related. The point is to accept this reality. This means, allowing a woman the opportunity to be herself, to accept her as she is in conversation, and to be with her in the moment. It's known, for example, that women frequently use conversation to bond with others, unlike men who often use conversation to get to some point or solve some problem.

Second, listen for content and respond to the content a woman offers without getting hung up on her conversational style as a woman. Leave aside desires to fix or change her as she speaks, and just be with her in the conversational present.

Third, ask questions that arise and that pertain to the content women speak about. Women want to be listened to and to be heard. Sincerely asking questions of her as she talks, reflect your desire to do so.

Fourth, avoid labeling what a woman says. Once you start labeling, you remove yourself from being aware of the content a woman is speaking about. You then latch onto the label and move away from accepting her content.

The Womb Is Not a Homing Device

Well into my marriage, one of my favorite questions for my wife was: "Where's my (you fill in the blank)?" Where's my book? Where are my shirts? You name it. She could remember where it was, whatever and wherever it happened to be.

Unconciously, I realized that among my wife, Jeannette's many, galactically fine qualities, was her ability to remember details with exquisite exactitude. And she had the navigational capabilities of a pidgeon. I've often said that I could drop her in the middle of Antartica, without food, water, clothing, and firemaking stuff, and she'd be back home perfectly fine within a week.

We'd could go places, and instantly, she'd remember the way in detail, including all the routes, sub routes, left turns, right turns, and straightaways, you name it. This has never ceased to impress and leave me, the navigationally challenged half of our team, in awe.

Over time, she grew understandably tired with my where's-my questions, and one morning, abruptly brought it to a halt. Well, mostly. One morning, as I rushed to get to work, I was in a dither and asked her where my wallet was. I'd forgotten that I'd laid it down the night before on an end table in the living room.

No response. I asked again. Again, no response. Then, the words came forth from her like some Delphic Oracle speaking to me. "The womb," she said, "is not a homing device."

I bristled, but knew in my heart of hearts, that my "where's my" questions would henceforth fall on deaf ears.

Am I totally free today, of the "where's my" habit? Honestly, no. But I've known for years that this kind of question is for true emergencies, and only after I've spent time hunting down my lost items myself.

Hank

The Women Are Coming. The Women Are Coming.

Back some years ago, I enjoyed the movie, "The Russians Are Coming. The Russians Are Coming," a funny spoof on our fears of communists. Today, one could make a movie titled "The Women Are Coming. The Women Are Coming."



And there's no doubt they're coming on strong. Unless you haven't watched or read the news in the last five years, the sobering fact is that women are out educating, out employing, and out earning us guys in mega large numbers.



Which means, that if you're working, the chances are getting better and better that your next boss could well be a savvy, well-educated, well paid woman, who brings to the executive suite powerful capabilities that you'll need to pay close attention to.



Should you be sharpening your communications skils to give and take with these representatives of the female culture? I know what I think. What about you?



Hank

Why Don't Men Listen to Women?

As I've worked with women over the years, the refrain that keeps coming back is: Men don't listen to them. In fact, many men, though not all, discount what women have to say. How often I've listened to female executives tell me that they suggest things in meetings, and men ignore their suggestions only to react positively to the same suggstions when men voice them.

What's difficult about listening to women? Is it because they use too many words? They're known to use more words than men? Is it because of gender bias. Where's the blockage coming from?

Hank